Sunday, February 11, 2007


" I wanted to read her the works of
Montaigne and Cervantes and Emerson
and I wanted to slip her some tongue"
Albert Goldbarth

a begining, and the wall

I suppose every story has a begining, and this is certainly no exception. For if every story has a begining than it surely must have an end, and I will tell you honestly that I will hate to see it end. But this begining is special in several ways, let me lay them out for you. The reason I am doing this is because I am recently turned 22 years old, and, with that landmark, have decided to make a few changes to my life, and in so doing I am certainly seeking accountability of some kind, which I suppose can be provided in some abstract way by posting my thoughts online. I will tell you now, that I do not want to be labeled as some eccentric 20 something, posting random thoughts online because he has nothing better to do. While the latter may be true occasionally, and, I have heard it said that it is in the early 20's that one begins to lose his/her mind, I am doing this simply to be real with you all, and with myself. I find that I have spent my whole life wearing some kind of mask, building up walls between myself and others, so think of this as me taking a pocket knife and begining to scrape away at the wall. I will tell you this, that I have recently discovered how much I love God, not Christianity or religion, mind you, but God. I have found that, in order for me to find meaning in this world, I need to take what I know of God in my mind, and somehow connect that with my heart. However I am begining to understand that there seem to be endless miles between the two, and any kind of collaboration can be tedious. I have made mistakes my friends, yes, many of them. The most recent may be ending a relationships with someone who I now think may have been the one for me. I cannot tell you the fierce irony that now presents itself, only after making what was a great mistake. I am many things, but a person who understands life is not one of them. I want to, I want to get this thing. So maybe that is also what this is, a begining, the gradual breaking down of a wall, and an attempt at understanding life. Thank you for reading this thing, I suppose in the end I am writing this much more for myself than any potential readers, but I do appreciate the awesome potential that comes with this online community thing, it's really pretty neat.